Tuesday, April 3, 2012

That Feeling of Insecurity Can Be All Consuming

EDIT: this is a LOOOOONG post - oops! =) 

I am sure that we have all felt like this at some point. 
No one does it to you intentionally...well they HOPEFULLY haven't.
Sometimes you just get that feeling - thinking "yeah, maybe I should have stayed home"

I feel like this more often than I would like to admit to others. I think that is why I rely so heavily on the relationship I have with The Husband. 

My relationship with my family is so important (I have talked about this before) and I think that comes from being in a military family, who moved a lot when it came time to make real relationships in life; friends to 'hold on to'. We moved when I was 13 for my freshman year of high school. THEN we moved right after my freshman year to a different state, where I was for three years. I moved again for college.  RIGHT. AFTER. high school.

I didn't have many relationships with most of the people I went to high school with - because at the time we were young, and a lot of them were already designated to a group. It is hard (and intimidating) being the new girl; you have cliques/groups, etc. to contend with in high school and if you aren't part of it, no one REALLY talks to you even if you have half your high school classes with them. 

But that's high school: who your parents are, where you live, who you know, and where you're from.

I came out here from Texas... for a LONG time, people moo-ed at me....  As in made the cow noise - AT ME - I know it wasn't because I looked like a cow; it was just their ignorance, I suppose. Never leaving their tiny corner of the world to realize that Texas is a BIG state and, while there are country towns, there are also big cities. 

Back to the point 

All the people I know now - or MOST - have all known each other forever. The Husband has friends from T-BALL! Isn't that like 5 or 6 years old?! 

My longest friend, with whom I STILL talk to regularly, who I actually hang out with and call is a girl I met when I was a freshman in college... That means the person I have known the longest, my closest friend, met me as a young adult. 

There is something about a bond that people create from knowing each other in elementary/jr high/high school forward versus meeting after the age of 20. 

THE OTHER MAJOR THING:: I'm nosy. 100%  - not because I want gossip but because I'm REALLY curious. I want to KNOW the people in my life - I want to know A LOT about them; all aspects - past, present, future.  Apparently, that can come across as rude sometimes, especially when I don't know where 'the line' is...you know what I'm talking about. That line between normal questions and going too far. I tend to cross that line. out loud. all the time. 

I don't mean to cross it - usually is happens because I don't know that line exists. I am pretty open about things - I'll tell you just about anything. That tends to push people away too - I don't have much of a filter. I think things that are 'inappropriate' are REALLY funny. and I'm LOUD. like REALLY loud...

a couple weeks ago, while I was bowling with my team, my friend and I were talking and together it is RIDICULOUS how loud we are. The OTHER TEAM was annoyed because we were so loud. OOPS! Not that I cared - you're in a BOWLING ALLEY for Pete's sake! It is loud ANYWAY!

I digress...

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside looking in - through an open window, waiting for acknowledgement -- like Tom in Cougar Town. Or like a puppy in the rain, just waiting to be let inside.  Ha! That is pathetic imagery right there!  I know that this is TOTALLY inadvertent - having someone feel like they aren't REALLY part of it; you click with someone and then, all of a sudden there is an inside joke, followed by knowledge of one another no one else has; and a super close friendship/bond/group/etc is formed. 

I was feeling all these things and so many more yesterday. Then I read this post from Megan at Mackey Madness. I started reading through the confessions/lies that so many are struggling with. Some of mine coincide with some of theirs. 

I LOVED that Megan did this - talked about lies and insecurities and gave others an outlet to share theirs - even if they were private/anonymous. Seeing that I am not the only person to feel insecure at some point, actually made me feel better; to know that EVERYONE feels some form of insecurity at one point or another. My heart goes out to those who poured their hearts out and who struggle daily with their own insecurities. Megan did an awesome thing for people yesterday. She's amazing! =) check it out - that post makes me cry every time I read it.

At the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, I think about my day. The Husband and I play the  highs and lows game. As I drift off to sleep, I think about how lucky I am;
how incredibly blessed I am:
to have my best friend next to me every day; 
to have an amazing group of women who support me;
to have an incredible and supportive family;
to have a job and life I love;
to have been able to meet awesome people here in blogland;

Everyone in my life makes every day amazing. I love y'all so so much!
When you are feeling insecure, make a list of happy and know that you have people who love you for who you are 100% - they don't care if you're loud, or having a fat day, or being a HUGE brat (guilty!). They just want to be in your sunshine. We will all have our days of insecurity - but you only get like a HALF DAY to feel like that; then FORCE yourself into the light and come up for air.

I am working on embracing my flaws and conquering my insecurities; are you?


Syndal said...


Katie said...

ok girl, did you get in my brain lately? I was JUST thinking last week about the bond with girflriends that I've known most of my life vs ones I've met in the past few yrs. I love both friendships, but there is something special about KNOWING where a person came from and knowing them from school! I really loved reading this!

Kristen said...

Love this post Ashley!

http://sweetcanadian.blogspot.com/ said...

I loved that post from megan.
You sound to be similar to the way i am. I have this NEED to get to know people & i am curious so it comes across to some as nosy, but i am an open book which sometimes makes it hard to understand that others aren't lol.

CeCe said...

I get where you are coming from. I WISH I had a group of girlfriends that I've known since grade school. My oldest friend is from 8th grade and she lives out of state and are really bad about staying in touch. I have scattered friends from college on. Not a group and not very many which is fine. I'm grateful for what I do have though.

Natalie said...

Great post! I moved several times during my childhood--my parents weren't military, but my dad did work for the smaller banks that kept being gobbled up to eventually form Bank of America. It was really tough moving over and over again, and the fact that everyone knows everyone (or is related to them) in Charleston (the last place we moved) didn't make things any easier. I didn't have the normal childhood that most have, but it was a happy one, and I'm still grateful for the people I met along the way!

Ashley said...

I just found your blog and love this post! The last two paragraphs made me smile non-stop- such a wonderful reminder!

Megan said...

I think we all have those doubts about ourselves at times. I don't have any close friends from elementary school either. All my closest friends are college girls. Thanks for the mention. The Lord was definitely using the comments section yesterday/today in big ways!!

Faith said...

i absolutely loved reading this.

hubs has friends from elementary school ... i don't remember anyone from elementary school. all my best friends are from college. they've known me as an adult.

but i must admit that i wish i had friends from my childhood. hubs and his friends have inside jokes, memories from years and years ago ... it is just something so amazing about knowing someone for that long and i truly wish i had it.

but i am thankful for the friends i do have ... they might not have known me when i was five but they know me now, and that is truly everything i need :)